Holy hell this is hilarious! Totally non-canonical but still.

Finally! The mysteries of the Ultramarines REVEALED!!! Highlights include:


Chapter Ultra-Marine of the Legiones Astartes was founded during the inter-legionary wars of the thirty second millennium. Tradition places the date at 4001001.M32 - the very first day of the millennium. The chapter is therefore over eight thousand years old, making it a chapter of the third founding. Upon its inception, the Emperor gave the chapter the number 13 - formerly the number of one of the treacher-legions now banished to the Eye of Terror 'without number and name with all honours erased'.


Macragge is an inhospitable planet. Over four-fifths of its surface is covered with deep dust-oceans. Although they are uninhabitable by man, the oceans are a major source of protein rich micro-organisms as well as larger 'shrimp like' creatures called dustkrill. These are farmed by giant factory vessels called dust-harvesters. This provides not only the basis of the inhabitants' diet but also Macragges's sole exportable commodity. The remaining fifth of the world is solid rock


The Ultra-Marines are led by Imperial Commander Adeptus Marneous Calgar, the fourth Lord of Macragge. Following a skirmish against Hive-fleet 'Perseus' in 976, Calgar lost all four limbs as well as large areas of body tissue and his left eye. Now fitted with bionic replacements, he is more machine than man. (Aha! I always wondered where his bionics came from)

Calgar was amongst human prisoners rescued from Hive-fleet 'Locust', in the year 947 of the current millennium. His bionic hands are actually very complex devices incorporating a variety of weapons and other gadgetry, including Jokaero digital weapons, knives, lights and communicator. (Go-go Gadget finger-flashlight! The origin of the Gauntlets of Ultramar revealed!?!!)


Lieutenant-Commander Cha Lee
Cha Lee has commanded the Ultra-Marines in battle ever since Calgar suffered his terrible injuries. (say what!!!) Lee rose to full Captaincy in 981 and became Lieutenant-Commander in 986 following the death of Lieutenant-Commander Muk Mukyoun in a flyer accident over the Iracund Sea (the dust-ocean lying to the west of Westenland). (a very noble death) Cha Lee is noted for his extreme fits of temper and uncompromising punishment of failure and disobedience. It was Cha Lee who ordered the ritual decimation and disbanding of honours from number 5 company (hitherto Steadfast) following an unsuccessful mission at Grox Station 27 in the Dohnan Chain in 986. (how dare they fail to protect that precious Grox station! Decimate them, decimate them all!!!)


Chief Librarian Astropath IlIiyan Nastase
Illiyan was born to a human mother on the world of Badab following the expulsion of the tyrant there in 912 of the current millennium. His father was an unknown Eldar mercenary.

Following this he undertook four years service with the fleet, a further two years with the Dark Angels Marines (He Whaaaaaaaaaat!!! Oh sure, the Dark Angels don't mind letting foreign psykers into their midst, especially half-alien ones) and was appointed as chief of the Macragge interstellar communications link under the jurisdiction of the Ultra-Marines (965). Nastase is now 76 rears old (current year 987) but, thanks to his parentage, shows few signs of age.


Master of the Forge Samuel Dexter
Dexter was born to one of the chapter's female slaves (I knew it!!! Vows of Chastity, Hah!) and, according to a tradition that all such children belong to the chapter, underwent tissue compatability and psychological tests at the age of 12. It was Dexter who created many of the special features of Commander Calgar's bionic limbs.


ULTRA-MARINE DAILY PROGRAMME
0500 Reveille
0510 Morning prayer followed by martial exercise
0600 Morning toilet
0630 Sergeant's Inspection
0700 Prayers of supplication followed by breakfast
0740 Squad training
1400 Vows of the order followed by a light meal
1445 Meditation followed by absolution
1620 Prayers of Exactitude followed by range firing
1820 Litany of Purity followed by equipment cleaning
1900 Chaplain's Sermon in Company Chapel
1945 BioChem and Implant monitoring
2000 Chaplain's cult recital followed by High Tea
2200 Free time
2210 Captain's inspection
2230 Evening exercise
2250 Retire to cells for personal prayer
2300 lights out

Authors: David Wise & Rick Priestley