story vom village idiot

    story vom village idiot

    Hab ich ausm web, ist ein original vom "the village idiot" Einfach Cheffisch.

    Pervis du Rottendumph, The Village Idiot, sat astride his trusty war cow Gertrude, straining to see across the stream to the distant ridge where the Empire Army was forming up for battle. It had been some time since he had led an army into battle against the Empire, and he had an uneasy feeling that the enemy had been advancing their civilization and technology since he last encountered them on the field of battle at Soggy Bottom.
    "Squire!" He shouted, to no one in particular as he had no personal retainers. Much to his surprise a small swarthy man answered "Yes Sire?"
    "What forces to I have at my disposal this fine day?" (The Village Idiot did his best to sound pompous)
    The Squire looked a little perplexed for a moment. "Well Sir,...you have the same troops you always have...Knights, Men at Arms, and Squires."
    "Good! I like to keep things nice and simple! Some heavy infantry to do the dirty work, some bowmen to weaken the enemy, and then some heavy cavalry to charge in and take the day. Dandy! Just dandy! Um...Squire...What is that up there?" Pervis removed a sandwich that his mommy had made for him from his pocket and he took a healthy bite. The Squire followed the idiot's pointing arm up to the ridge line where the Empire men were busily emplacing their cannons.
    "Artillery Sir!" the squire answered confidently. "Remember that the Empire casts great cannons at Ulm Sir...and it looks like....they have brought three of them here today Sir."
    "CHEESE!" the idiot shouted.
    "Yes Sir, it appears that they are maxing out their special troop choices with artillery."
    "No. Cheese! This sandwich needs some cheese! How can I be expected to command on an empty stomach?" Pervis waved the cheese-less sandwich around as he angrily gesticulated.
    "Bubba!" the squire shouted. "Go and fix the commander a proper sandwich with some cheese on it"
    Pervis watched as the man he assumed was "Bubba" ran off to get him another sandwich.
    "Speaking of artillery Sir...it looks like they have also brought a HellBlaster to the field." Offered the squire.
    "What's a Hell Blaster?" asked the idiot.
    "Umm...well Sir...it's sort of a repeating cannon...like their repeating handguns...it shoots multiple times and causes a tremendous amount of damage."
    "Do we have anything like that?" asked the idiot. Gertrude looked at the squire questioningly.
    "Um..No Sir. We don't. We do have longbows that have a great range!" offered the squire.
    "Ah-HA! So we can shoot at them from a safe distance then!" Gertrude nodded happily.
    "Um..No Sir. They have Crossbows that can shoot just as far as our longbows, and they hit harder too."
    Just then Bubba ran up and handed The Village idiot his new sandwich, which the idiot bit into with gusto. Suddenly there was a tremendous clanking and a large metal monster with steam belching into the air rumbled into the Empire lines. A loud cheer went up from the Empire soldiers.
    "Whut the bluddy 'ell is that" asked Pervis while chewing his sandwich.
    "It appears to be a Steam Tank Sir." Noticing the blank stare of his commander, the squire continued. "You see sir, It is a machine that propels itself with steam power. It is fully armored and carries inside it, a steam cannon. Those monsters are all but impervious to anything we can throw at them Sir...perhaps we should withdraw?"
    "CHEESE!" shouted the Village Idiot.
    "Yes Sir I agree, They should never be allowed to bring such a monstrosity to.."
    "No! This sandwich has Cheese! Cheddar if I'm not mistaken!" The Idiot was beaming and eating the sandwich as fast as he could.
    "Do we have anything like that Steam Tank?" asked the idiot. Gertrude was beginning to look a little pale.
    "No Sir, in fact we don't have anything that can really stop it."
    "Well, what about our mighty Knights? Aren't they the best heavy cavalry with the finest armor in the entire old world?"
    "Well, Sir, the Empire has developed something called "Full Plate" which actually provides better protection for them than what our knights have."
    "Ah-HA! With all of that armor, surely they don't have any fast cavalry! Our mounted squires will sweep around the flanks and shoot the vermin down with bow fire!" Pervis' eyes were gleaming at the vision, as Gertrude slowly nodded approval.
    "Well Sir...you see...um..they DO have fast cavalry. As fast as ours in fact, and they carry a brace of pistols that give them twice as many attacks, and the bullets are, I'm sad to say, armor piercing. So they are even a threat to our Noble Knights."
    "CHEESE-"
    "Yes Sir..they.."
    "-US CHRISTMAS! We need some of that full plate armor ourselves!"
    "Sadly Sir...we have not advanced far enough to develop any...We are still in the dark ages Sir."
    "No wonder why I can't get a decent sandwich around here." Pervis looked up and down the enemy line. "What about that sorry lookin' lot?"
    Again the Squire followed his pointing arm. "Ah. Yes Sir. Those are Flagellants. They are unarmored madmen that think the end of the world is near."
    "AH-HA! Then the Knights can charge those unarmored fools, punch right through them, and break the enemy line!" Pervis looked to the Squire hoping he would agree with him for once...but to no avail.
    "Uh..sorry Sir, but those men are immune to psychology. They would not break and run, and then those detachments there..Do you see them Sir?...Yes, they would counter charge and they have two hand weapons so they get double attacks upon us...it would not be a pretty sight Sir."
    "Do we have anything like that" asked Pervis.
    "Actually we do Sir!" The Squire was quite pleased to be able to answer a question positively for once. "We have Grail Knights! But they are almost three times as expensive, and can break if they lose subsequent round of combat."
    "CHEESE!"
    "I wholeheartedly agree Sir...Maybe we could retreat?"
    "I need more cheese so I can think" the idiot's head was aching...he couldn't seem to find an advantage to exploit. "If we gave the peasants an extra hand weapon would they get double attacks?" he inquired.
    "No Sir"
    "Well what about those crossbows? Do we have any of those?"
    "No Sir"
    "Handguns? I don't need the fancy repeating or long ranged ones...just the plain old musket things...any of those?"
    "No Sir"
    "Well what the 'ell DO we have!?" screamed the idiot.
    The Squire thought for a minute, then he looked up. "We can pray to the Lady of the Lake! She will reduce the Enemy's shooting effectiveness by fifty percent!" the squire exclaimed.
    "Really? She will protect the entire army with her blessing?!" Gertrude seemed impressed.
    "Um..no Sir. Just the Knights. Oh I just remembered! If we take the blessing of the lady, then our huntsmen must stay here to pray with us. They cannot deploy behind the enemy lines."
    "Well what about their huntsmen? Do they have to stay over there on their side of the field?"
    "Umm..No Sir. They are free to deploy as they wish. They can even..." The Squire's words were cut short as several Empire arrows suddenly thudded into his chest. As the Squire fell to the ground he managed to stammer "Message for you Sir!"
    "CHEESE-US-CHRIST!!! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Pervis screamed. He turned Gertrude away from the rapidly approaching Empire Huntsmen and galloped away as fast as Gertrude could carry him. He watched as cannonballs and swarms of bullets scythed through his battle lines and he called a general retreat. When the Empire Steam tank began to rumble towards him, he wet himself. "If only I had more cheese! Some Cheese! Some Cheese! MY KINGDOM FOR SOME CHEESE!"
    "IF we don't start EVOLVING around here, and real soon, then I doubt we will even exist 40,000 years from now!" Pervis muttered.